If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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