from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
