ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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