I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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