you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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