i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
