My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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