Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
