I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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