i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
