Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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