Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sober January is a disaster.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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