Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
