i barfeds in our rink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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