I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We smell like vodka and hangover
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