Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
