I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
