"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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