dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
