I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
