He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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