i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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