I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
