We won't sleep together?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
