He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
