im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
