the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
