last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
