My liver just broke up with me...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
