sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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