Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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