I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
