I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
