I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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