Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
