could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
