have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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