I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
