I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
