i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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