He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Vodka?
Forever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
