Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
