I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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