wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
