I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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