Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
