did you get engaged???
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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