i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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