....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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