So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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