I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
