i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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