Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
