You're so nebulous sometimes
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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