Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
