If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Randomize
