just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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