Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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