my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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