she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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