Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
