I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
